This is not a "new" topic... but it seems to be more and more prevalent in our generation than ever. The rise of the "independent-black-woman" and the fall of the "black-relationship". As I pursue more in life (exposure, higher-education, career, etc.) it is only natural that my expectations and standards rise also. In a relationship, I believe that both individuals involved hold the responsibility to challenge each other whether that be mentally, spiritually, emotionally or physically. Today, a strong dependency/laziness has taken the place of the very essence of which stimulates a relationship......work! Challenge itself is work, working to be better, working to progress.
Yes this blog is biased, hell.... I'm a woman. From that perspective I can say that I personally would have rather stayed single than to lower my standards and settle. There are women who just think the solution is to date outside her race (long pause).
It is not where you been but where you are going and if your satisfied with mediocrity, we are just not compatible. Success in relationships are perceived as an intimidating factor rather than a motivating one. With this being said, an "independent-black-woman" has to learn how to balance supporting her leading man while maintaining her own. Now I can put the blame on the Black Woman not properly understanding her role in a relationship to the lack of male presence in her life.... but its a blog not a debate... I will, however, say that the media has played both a significant and detrimental role.
What's a girl to do...?
We can all agree that typical expectations for a Black Man is to be college-educated, financially stable, and well-groomed...... as this was exactly what I wanted. I got it but learned, what I needed derived from a much deeper place with a man than the surface (and pockets). So I leave you with this in mind...
Is our expectations set to high?
Is the Black Man not doing enough?
Is pride the key factor in this issue?
Who's to blame?
What's the solution?
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ReplyDeleteI think it's a lack of exposure, experience and example. Black women in particular, don't have (at large) the best role models (and black men either) for what relationships should look like. Now generally speaking, a LOT of people, not just Black men and women, lack the proper role model and even if no one is there to show you how to do it, God can. But back to Black folks...
...Black women in particular has a distorted Polaroid (be it under or overexposed) of what a Good Man should like look. If he's sensitive to your needs and cares about your well being, HE'S WEAK. If he's not checking all up on you, flipping out when you go out, or not being jealous, HE DOESN'T CARE. If he doesn't have a good job, a piece of paper or a lot of money/house/car HE'S NO GOOD. If he knows how to dress and pulls his pants up on his ass instead of letting it sag, keeps his hair together and just maintains an overall healthy appearance, HE'S GAY. And while there are many, many setbacks surrounding the Black man, there are just as many that surround the Black woman. It's just been about 2 decades in, where the woman in general has taken on such a lead role as being career oriented and indepndent. So if you look at the fact that not only is the woman a newly accepted public figure, a BLACK woman is especially so. With that said, the Black woman is behind on a lot although she's ahead of a lot. How many girls watch their mother's be wives? How many girls watch their mother's be mothers? Not many... because she's out working (almost definitely) as the head of household. How many girls watch their father's be husbands or actual fathers? How many little girls knows what it REALLY means to be loved? So when that piece is missing (exposure) the substitute becomes boyfriends and inappropriate relationships, or the substitute becomes being a workaholic or it becomes bitterness and apathy. When experience is missing, when the Black woman is unable to actually try out being in a relationship the skills can never be improved. And when the example is missing... watching other women, other role models in the family, the church, in the media, etc... it makes it seem as if relationships and being in them for the long haul are abnormal. I mean look at TV: it's normal to get a divorce. You're not even surprised anymore when someone breaks up. (Except Will and Jada... that would be the end of the world as we know... Jesus is on His way.)
See alll that... all of it plays a role in how this newly developed Independent Black Woman has emerged about. And there is no 3 word answer. There is no short story answer. This is a problem at the very root of our journey over here. I don't know what we can do about it either. I just know me, for example, has had to see my inconsistencies and not lower my expectation or standard, but I had to CHECK THEM. I had to look at me and say well wait a minute, I'm not no angel. I'm not perfect. He's trying. He's a good man. So I gotta role with that because "things"... things will come. Love... not so much. It's rare. And if the black man does POOF be gone... I'll be my way over to Italy. =)